I can finally explain the pain…. What it feels like… It’s like you can’t breathe. I know I know I’m insane I mean we werent together but he was my best friend. He was supposed to always be there… So yeah…
I can’t cry anymore…. I think I’ve used up all my tears.
I read the letter you wrote me…. The one letter I got. I haven’t read it since the first time you left… But it was calling me. I still have it and I’m gonna keep it. So if some day I break my rules and have kids and have a daughter and she asks me about relationships or about people I loved I can show her that letter and tell her I had a great love and a great best friend for four years. It broke my heart to read that letter again after all this time and to know how much things have changed…. But I’ll be okay sometime…. Sunday will come.
Hi… It’s been less than a year since you walked out of my life and at first I thought I was doing okay. I was so mad at you and so done with you that I didn’t have time to be sad. As the months went on I was happy and strong and if I missed you it was fleeting. But lately it’s not so fleeting.
I miss you so much kid. I know I went crazy and turned into a royal bitch but I was so hurt that I built that wall back up and thought that if I pushed you away you’d pull me back in. You’d always done that before. Anytime I started pushing you away you’d tell me that I was shutting you out and to let you back in. I was so certain of us that I thought whatever I did you’d be there. I didn’t even think that I could push you too far…. I know I said that you’d leave but I never thought you’d actually do it.
You were everything to me I loved you more than I had ever loved someone and I wasn’t sure how to handle that so I went a little crazy. Okay I went a lot crazy. Yeah I did constantly rag on you to my friends but you have to understand if we had a fight it hurt me so much because you’d get so mean. You’d shut me out you’d push me away and I’d have to fight my way back in…. The only way I kept from really releasing my crazy on you was by releasing it on them. Our good moments were to personal to me to talk about…. I guess I got too attached I just didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling…. I think I could have really loved you if things had been different…. I know I fell for you and I fell hard but you were so great no one had ever loved me like you did….
It’s so weird using past tense in talking about us now…. It’s weird referring to you as my ex best friend. It’s weird saying loved instead of love…. Thing is I still love you…. If you were to come back right now and tell me that we could be friends again I’d be okay with that. People try to say Amanda changed you but I know she didn’t. As weird as it sounds if anyone so much as says that she may be at fault I make sure they know I don’t feel that way. Anyway I just had to get stuff out I know you don’t read this anymore I know you’re never coming back but I just had to get this out…. I love you Lyal and I hope you’re happy.
“It’s kinda weird not being able to talk to you every day”
“I miss you”
“I love you”
“I’m not gonna leave…”
100 reasons you’re amazing list.
I can’t do this right now but clearly I have to. So awesome……
I’m really struggling…. But no one knows that. So shhh it’s a secret.